The day in the life of a blind woman

I thought this post would be beneficial for anyone who has never really thought about how hard the life of a blind person can be sometimes. I have recently been suffering from depression due to my lack of sight and I thought a blog post would raise awareness of daily struggles I face.

The majority of the time I am a positive and happy person but from September to February 2016 I have been clinically depressed after having a mental breakdown. You may be wondering why I would disclose this information all over the internet… I want to help people in my situation and prove to people not suffering with a serious disability that disabled people actually have feelings. We are humans at the end of the day. Just because I cannot see does not mean my feelings should not be valued. My life isn’t as hard as some but over the past few months it has felt impossible. Living in darkness everyday after knowing a world with light is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I still wake up every morning wishing I had it back and it is coming up to the 3 year anniversary of the day I became almost totally blind. Friday 24th March 2013. I dread this date every year as it brings such sadness to myself, my boyfriend and my family/friends. I have recently been to counselling and opening up about my deepest feelings has definitely got easier and is helping me to be happy as a woman without eyesight.

Even writing this post is helping me get my feelings out and in turn it is another step towards my happiness. I desperately want happiness because I genuinely don’t think I have been truly happy in 3 years. I love posting videos on YouTube about my life and how I cope but I feel I only cope half of the time. When walking independently with my guide dog Olga, when I am with my boyfriend/family/friends, when I read your comments on YouTube, when I am filming or standing in front of people when motivational speaking – this is when I am happy but when I crawl into bed after a day of happiness it always comes back to my feelings of sorrow. Everyone in my life who I am the most close with has eyesight and will never truly feel what I do on a daily basis. I would never want anyone to go through this if they didn’t have to. However, this does not mean I do not feel desperately alone sometimes.

The day in the life of my darkest thoughts:
I wake up feeling completely worthless wishing I could be the sighted 17 year old teenager I was. I think of all the people I am close to and realise I have now forgotten what they look like. My best friend has grown her hair and all I can recall is her 17 year old haircut. I desperately want to know how my boyfriend looks as a 19 year old not just the 16 year old that has now faded from my memory. I wish I could laugh at silly photos. I wish I could Snapchat my friends. I wish I knew what I truly looked like in a new dress. I want to see my beautiful labrador’s face. I fear in the future I will never be able to see my own children and this devastates me. I wish that people I don’t know didn’t just see me as a blind woman walking down the road with her guide dog. I wish I could run in the park without holding onto someone. I wish that I don’t have to remember where every little thing is in my entire flat. I really just want to walk outside and run where ever I want to and not be afraid of not knowing where I am. I wish I was able to ride a bike on my own. I wish I could see the laptop screen I am typing on right now. I wish I remembered what a beautiful sunny day looked like. I think of the past 3 years and all the things I could’ve seen. All the nights out with friends, my 18th birthday cake, my boyfriend’s smile, my sister’s face when she got into university, all my friends new university friends and the image of my relatively new flat. I will forever miss the sighted world and the beauty I once appreciated. I have never seen my boyfriend’s extended family and will never have an image of the best friends he talks about. I have to live with the fact I have forgotten almost everything I once saw in detail. I can never drive a car and I pretty much always have to plan ahead.

I have now let you into my grieving brain and I am sorry that I am not my positive self. I hate being negative most of the time. Despite all of these bad thoughts I have adapted, finally, to technology for the blind and before this month I was resistant to even type on my laptop. Everyone needs time to grieve a loss and I am working on not thinking of the negatives of blindness everyday. If I can truly accept my blindness and don’t wish for yesterday then I can make a better tomorrow.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, speak soon,

Lucy x

youtube.com/yesterdayswishes

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3 thoughts on “The day in the life of a blind woman

  1. Hi Lucy,

    I follow your blog since several month. I’m french, sorry if my english is bad.

    I read your post and I’m move by your words. I want to cry for and with you.
    I’m partially blind since my birth and I think I am truly lucky to live the life I live. But sometimes, I feel like you. I wish all my fears can vanish, I wish my eyesight is good. But all I wish, is just wish.

    I know someday, my eyesight will be down or worse I will be blind. I hear that since my childhood and I’m afraid that this day can come.

    I hope the best for you. You are a strong person, keep going! You are not alone!

  2. Lucy,
    First I’d like to say how much I thank you for writing this post. It’s amazing because, you’re right, people don’t see who we are and often don’t realize we have feelings.
    Second, I want to say that it does get easier–I know people who have been where you are, and they say it gets easier. I can’t personally attest to this as I’ve always been blind, but I know it gets easier. I know I haven’t spoken to you much, and will probably never meet you, but if you ever need someone to talk to or rant to, I’m here for you. I know what it’s like to have a hard time accepting blindness. No, I’ll never understand what it’s like to lose sight, and I’m sorry if it seems like I’m trying to, but I know what it’s like to miss something you’ll never have.
    Lastly, I love this post for its complete and utter honesty and true outpoor of feelings. I have to admit that I share some of the same feelings–feeling worthless, feeling sorry for myself, feeling a bit angry with those around me because they’ll never understand, but most of all, feeling overwhelming grief for not being able to see the people around me. Sometimes I’ll think about the fact that I’ll (probably) never see what my mom looks like, that I never saw my grandparents, but most of all, that I won’t get to experience physically seeing my kids grow up. I’m glad to know there’s someone else who feels the same way I do, because the other blind people I’ve talked to say that I shouldn’t miss/want something I’ve never had–sight.
    I’m sorry for the really long-winded post, but thanks for it a million fold.
    Jackie

  3. Please don’t apologise for your feelings or for expressing them.
    I’m so sorry you’re struggling and I can’t imagine the sorrow you feel or struggle you face. Please keep fighting for yourself and don’t give up. We’ve never met but I’m rooting for you and sending love.
    I cannot understand how people could think that disabled people don’t have feelings (and I’ve got Asperger’s, ha ha! We apparently lack empathy – we don’t lack it.), it’s not right that anyone should have to live with that and I hope one day you don’t xxx

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