My Struggle With Inviting Music Back Into My Life

To me, music was something I had been associating with my sighted life and I hadn’t let it into my blind world yet. When I was younger I always played the guitar; I used to watch my sister playing in her room and my friend Jess post videos on YouTube. I always watched my hands when playing and, because I taught myself by sight, I still haven’t picked up my guitar since the day I lost my vision. I know it would make me happy to learn again but learning with no vision means I actually have to accept blindness. This thought hasn’t sat well with me.

I want to love music like I once did but I still cannot think of it in the same way. You are probably thinking… She has lost her eyesight not her ears but so many memories are associated with the sighted memories I created when listening to music. For a while I forced myself not to feel anything. Then I felt everything all at once and I had a breakdown. Music is beginning to have a new meaning because I finally realised you can make new memories and forget the past.

Heres to thinking of today and making the most of what you have! Happy Easter x

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The New Beginning of My Happiness!

Today I completed counselling and I can definitely say that I am feeling happier than I have done in at least half a year. With my depression I ate a lot and consequently put on some weight so I am cycling it off and eating some kale to combat this! I definitely think exercise is contributing to my mood. I also think having this blog to write down my thoughts is a massive help. I wanted to take this time to thank everyone who supported my last post as that, for me, was a milestone in my life. It was a post I had always wanted to make however I knew if I typed all that when I was really ill it would’ve made my mood drop. I was waiting for my recovery that I had been wanting and working so hard for. I am on this long road of recovery and I am feeling fragile yet more able to cope. I have realised more than ever how powerful the mind is and how much you can change your mind set with the right help and your own inner strength. I tend to hop on the bike when I wake up and feel low as it really helps to get my day off to a positive start. I may document my bad blind days in the future but at least I am now equips with with methods of getting myself out of low mind sets. Hopefully I will never have to deal with depression again! The statistics for people developing depression are significantly higher than if you aren’t coping with blindness. I feel that this is a massive oversight when helping people cope. I feel there needs to be physical help for the lack of mobility side of blindness and also the mental grief and loss you experience at the same time. In my next few videos on my YouTube channel I will be covering aspects of my life that lead me to have clinical depression as low self esteem definitely contributed to my mental state. I will never stop having a voice! The past happened and I will always reflect in order to help others that may be in the situation I was in when I was a young teenager. There is always strength in telling your story and I will always believe this. Never let anyone tell you that you are anything but perfect otherwise they are really not worth your time! I have worked through my past in counselling and I can finally say it doesn’t effect me anymore! It is so liberating.

Click the link below as I have expressed feelings about my past that I am now not affected by because of my recent counselling.

The day in the life of a blind woman

I thought this post would be beneficial for anyone who has never really thought about how hard the life of a blind person can be sometimes. I have recently been suffering from depression due to my lack of sight and I thought a blog post would raise awareness of daily struggles I face.

The majority of the time I am a positive and happy person but from September to February 2016 I have been clinically depressed after having a mental breakdown. You may be wondering why I would disclose this information all over the internet… I want to help people in my situation and prove to people not suffering with a serious disability that disabled people actually have feelings. We are humans at the end of the day. Just because I cannot see does not mean my feelings should not be valued. My life isn’t as hard as some but over the past few months it has felt impossible. Living in darkness everyday after knowing a world with light is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I still wake up every morning wishing I had it back and it is coming up to the 3 year anniversary of the day I became almost totally blind. Friday 24th March 2013. I dread this date every year as it brings such sadness to myself, my boyfriend and my family/friends. I have recently been to counselling and opening up about my deepest feelings has definitely got easier and is helping me to be happy as a woman without eyesight.

Even writing this post is helping me get my feelings out and in turn it is another step towards my happiness. I desperately want happiness because I genuinely don’t think I have been truly happy in 3 years. I love posting videos on YouTube about my life and how I cope but I feel I only cope half of the time. When walking independently with my guide dog Olga, when I am with my boyfriend/family/friends, when I read your comments on YouTube, when I am filming or standing in front of people when motivational speaking – this is when I am happy but when I crawl into bed after a day of happiness it always comes back to my feelings of sorrow. Everyone in my life who I am the most close with has eyesight and will never truly feel what I do on a daily basis. I would never want anyone to go through this if they didn’t have to. However, this does not mean I do not feel desperately alone sometimes.

The day in the life of my darkest thoughts:
I wake up feeling completely worthless wishing I could be the sighted 17 year old teenager I was. I think of all the people I am close to and realise I have now forgotten what they look like. My best friend has grown her hair and all I can recall is her 17 year old haircut. I desperately want to know how my boyfriend looks as a 19 year old not just the 16 year old that has now faded from my memory. I wish I could laugh at silly photos. I wish I could Snapchat my friends. I wish I knew what I truly looked like in a new dress. I want to see my beautiful labrador’s face. I fear in the future I will never be able to see my own children and this devastates me. I wish that people I don’t know didn’t just see me as a blind woman walking down the road with her guide dog. I wish I could run in the park without holding onto someone. I wish that I don’t have to remember where every little thing is in my entire flat. I really just want to walk outside and run where ever I want to and not be afraid of not knowing where I am. I wish I was able to ride a bike on my own. I wish I could see the laptop screen I am typing on right now. I wish I remembered what a beautiful sunny day looked like. I think of the past 3 years and all the things I could’ve seen. All the nights out with friends, my 18th birthday cake, my boyfriend’s smile, my sister’s face when she got into university, all my friends new university friends and the image of my relatively new flat. I will forever miss the sighted world and the beauty I once appreciated. I have never seen my boyfriend’s extended family and will never have an image of the best friends he talks about. I have to live with the fact I have forgotten almost everything I once saw in detail. I can never drive a car and I pretty much always have to plan ahead.

I have now let you into my grieving brain and I am sorry that I am not my positive self. I hate being negative most of the time. Despite all of these bad thoughts I have adapted, finally, to technology for the blind and before this month I was resistant to even type on my laptop. Everyone needs time to grieve a loss and I am working on not thinking of the negatives of blindness everyday. If I can truly accept my blindness and don’t wish for yesterday then I can make a better tomorrow.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, speak soon,

Lucy x

youtube.com/yesterdayswishes

Sofa drama

Today was eventful. My sister and I want a sofa for our new beauty room that we are designing for the background of our videos, however we have a set budget. We found a perfect sofa on eBay so we bought it as it only had a couple of minutes left on the bid. We secured it for an amazing price and we were really happy. Alice (my sister) texted my mum a picture because we were excited however she reminded us that we had to think about shipping. We kind of overlooked this…

We felt so stupid. The shipping was way more than the sofa! So the conclusion was that I had to phone the seller and ask for a refund! I felt so stupid!

That was our day….oops!